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The Box of hate is a web page on the internet and you are reading it right now, how's that for self-referention?
blah i'm a skeleton blah
Walking down the street can be such a chore...
I'm not untypical in the fact I work hard at a job I have no feeling towards, and that the lunch hour I get is my sanctuary, my mecca.. its MY time and for you to get in the way of it is just damned inconsiderate. Now I'm not an unreasonable man.. I accept accidents occur and your stupidity might get in the way of my bliss, and I can forgive you for this, but it seems that a lot of people today are out there to specifically invade my time on an almost professional level. Today I shall talk you through some of these miscreants and together we can join forces to eat sandwiches in peace. Because where I live in the UK, on my lunch hour I cannot walk down the high street without bumping into...
The Chuggers
Right lets get the obvious nasties out of the way. 'Oh but Mr pHo, they're doing work for charity! Charity! How dare you in your swanky $15 sneakers and your cheapsake band tshirt criticise these wonderful people for helping out the poor. Or deaf. Or.. gas companies?' because indeed, half the time these walking shitbags aren't even campaigning to help someone less fortunate, but trying to persuade me to change my suppliers. On my fucking lunch hour. Listen guy, if I wanted to get a better deal on my services, I'd do it when its appropriate.. during the working hours of the day using the company phonelines. Why would they give me a phone if I wasn't supposed ot use it to benefit my life? Seems pointless to let it just sit there, ringing all day.
But what about the ones trying to help out? They're just trying to spread some joy in the world right? Wrong. They're cunts and they're making more money acting as wacky student dickheads in the street than I am slaving over a forever ringing phone. Doing a real job. One that involves numbers and graphs and stuff. If these assbags gave a shit about '3rd World Albinos with Ass Cancer' as much as they pretend, then they can give their wages to them and stop getting between me and my ploughmans.
The Religious Zealots
Possibly worse than the chuggers, because these guys tend to have microphones, megaphones or other forms of voice projecting equipment. Now, bizarrely enough I don't generally give a shit about what other people believe, as long as they keep it to their damn selves. So you're more brilliant than me and you've found the way to eternal happiness? Fantastic, I hope you have a great afterlife.. but please don't try to tell it at me at high decibels whilst I'm trying to savour the delights of my turkey sub. I'm already happy, as I probably stole the sandwich from a homeless guy whilst he was chasing after his dog that I accidentally let free.. why tell me about being happy in 50 years time? I'll be old then. All I'll want to do is sleep anyway. I like the ones who paint pictures in the street tho, especially when they're dyslexics and they're trying ever so hard to teach me about jessu. Especially guilty are the Hare Krishnas.. if there's enough of them in a line, it can slow down my ability to get to my food by a significant amount of time. And they dress like girls.
'Human Statues' and other Pathetic Sideshow Acts
'So Bob, what do you do for a living?'
'Oh, I'm an accountant.. numbers and graphs and shit.. what do you do Mike?'
'I sell cheese. It smells like shit, but it pays the bils.. say Zack, how do you spend the hours of 9 to 5?'
'I paint myself white, then I stand in the middle of the street whilst I don't move and expect people to give me money because apparently this is an amazing talent or something.'
'Wow, you sound like a right twat"
But you have to ask yourselves, who is more the twat.. the selfrighteous prick who failed art college and tricks himself into thinking he's being original of some sorts by performing such an amazing act of human brilliance, or the utter idiots who stand there looking at a guy painted white who doesn't move for up to around 15 minutes. We get it. He's a statue. He doesn't move. Now stop forming circles around him and get out of my fucking way, you're blocking half of the street. Morons. The only exception to this rule is if someone is performing something dangerous.. like juggling fire or taunting a lion.. then the reverse is true: the bigger the crowd the better. Higher chances of someone getting killed ,and giving me something entertaining to watch whilst I eat my bacon and brie baguette. Oh yes, I'm a classy bastard me. I know what 'brie' is.
Homeless People Who Sing
Now, these are a different breed to buskers, who sometimes have some talent but also the experience that they're not good enough (read: attractive) and therefore never going to make it in the music business, so resort to using their only skill to pay for their one bedroom flat in the bad end of town. Now, whilst slightly irritating, I can at least appreciate the fact they usually can perform the song they're attempting. Unlike the singing homeless, who have realised that simply sitting there isn't a good enough way of getting my money, but by tunelessly repeating a song they haven't heard in 5 years is a surefire way of getting the rewards they so crave. There's plenty of use the homeless have in our society.. picking up litter, basic recycling duties, cheap babysitting.. but generally singing isn't their forte. Pretty much the last thing I need to suffer from whilst gorging on a small serving of sushi is an extra from Night of the Living Dead singing My Way at me, in between swigging from the local supermarkets drain cleaner. They may be your streets, but its my lunch time and you're getting in my way.
So there we go. My hour of joy utterly ruined by tossers of all genders, ages, mental state and passion.. united by their requirement to go out of their way to make me feel just that little bit worse. Thanks assholes.
pHo
So, what did we miss?
The box of hate is back, i'm not sure why we bothered but there you go. During the site's stay in internet hell (Specifically the fifth circle, reserved for conservative blogs, failed humor sites and pictures of cats with hilarious text photoshopped on them) a lot of fascinating things have happened on the internet.
The clash of the titans
In February 2007, the rather popular blogger Aaron Steinberg posted his annual "The top ten worst pseudo-goth melodic death metal acts". Placing the popular underground band "Satanic Corpse Fuck" firmly in the first place. If that wasn't enough he further blasted the band, calling their music "Fucking retarded", the singer's screams "like he's strangling a fat chick or something J*sus CHR*ST" and their lyrics "Gay as HELL". Due to the popularity of the blog, Satanic Corpse Fuck's new album "Dragon Rape, Volume VII" only sold 50% (45 copies) of what was predicted.
Angered fans retaliated to the blogger's attacks by starting their own web community dedicated to flaming Aaron's blog. Tensions escalated as Aaron started to edit the angry comments left on his blog entries into loving praise for himself. The battle had been waged thus far entirely online, purely because death metal fans rarely exit their homes, but that had been the last straw. The fans finally managed to contact their idols and a protest concert was planned outside of Aaron's house. Nobody came to the concert, not even the band.
Wikiterrorism
The never-ending fountain of useless anime and other assorted nerd trivia suffered major setbacks in April.
The creepy[citation needed] and usually sticky[1] effigy of "Wikipe-tan"[2] was stolen during the "Understanding the Battlestar Galactica mythos" conference at the yearly Wikimania festival, a respected wikipedia administrator was trampled to death during the confused uproar that followed
A coordinated vandalism effort replaced all factual information in every article with references to pop-culture and japanimation, nobody noticed this until esteemed wikipedan RonPaul2008 turned in his essay on medieval Spain and received a F and a note from his teacher: "What's with all the family guy quotes, and who the hell is Goku?"
The Box of hate returns
Despite lazy contributors, protests and a fatwah or two the site unceremoniously returns. No worries though, since we are so incredibly lazy it probably won't be updated for weeks after this very update. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'll manage to finish this senten
Hünd
This was written a long time ago but is sort of okay so here it is
Horroscopes for 12. december 2005
Aries (March 21-April 19). Dreams, wishes, and fantasies about bacon are strong now. You may be infatuated with someone you meet at this time, only to be disappointed later when you discover that the person does not run linux as his operating system nor does he care about open-source software. Your well thought-out rants on the evils of Micro$oft will fall on deaf ears, console yourself in knowing that you could probably "pwn" that "n00b" in a match of Quake 2. Your balls hurt.
You are simply not seeing people objectively now. Your imagination is very active and creative, your Harry Potter/Starship troopers fanfic will rise to third place on your favorite hentai website. Neck beards and MMPORGS are still unfashionable, but you still hold on dearly to the hope that someday, someone will fall in love with your guild raid skills.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). A need for solitude and a disinclination to socialize or get distracted from more pressing matters colors your mood. There is a strong chance your cat will drown in a horrible dish washer accident, it will not go to heaven because of it's inherently evil nature. That rash on your thigh is not going away, especially if you keep picking at it. Stay away from Scorpio's today, they're in a rather bad mood today because of that whole sand incident.
Your relationship with your parents might take a dive today, remind them who holds the key to the gun rack and to shut the fuck up. You are feeling rather somber. Your job still sucks.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). Giving and receiving appreciation, love, and happiness come into your life now. You will be approached with a lucrative business arrangement over the internet by African royalty in some kind of trouble, it's highly reccomended that you accept their deal because it's a dead cert. You are moved to express your affections more openly than usual. You will experience some car trouble and it'll be all your fault, say goodbye to your legs.
Your mother wants you over for Christmas, but you still cant forgive her for what happened last year. That bitch. Your pokemon collection will rise 5% in value, now is a good time to sell.
Caner (June 22-July 22). This is an excellent time to eliminate whatever is unnecessary in your life. Some asshole with a neckbeard will start stalking you and try to convince you of the evils of some corporation and of the virtues of "open-source", whatever the hell that is. Kick him in the groin and he'll go away.
Something lost, hidden, or forgotten may come to light. But you'll quickly remember why you forgot about it in the first place. Because it's rubbish. Your lucky numbers are 1, 5 and pi.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You have to be careful not to take things "too far'... This is when your inner fears or self doubts could cause you to take actions you'll later regret. You will spontaneously develop a brand new fetish involving miniature boats and a particularly sassy looking teddy bear. Your stomach will start to itch at around 4 PM. The good news is that the itching will fade within 10 minutes, the bad news is that the itching will be replaced by pure agonizing pain as your insides churn into liquid shit. You will find a penny on the floor and you'll be very happy about that. Your lucky direction is south east.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). I'm sure you're well aware that this is when the universe is pushing you to take your ideas forward and obtain greater states of girth. That dream is back again, the one where you viscously murder everyone you love. Don't worry, it doesn't mean anything. But to be on the safe side you should refrain from being in a room with somebody you care about where tools of manslaughter are readily available. You should get yourself a puppy, puppies are awesome. These horoscopes are getting shorter.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). I can't write this crap who the hell reads this anyway, i bet if i leave this line here the proof-reader won't even notice.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Some dipshit mixed sand with your vaseline. Your anus is bleeding. Aside from that, things are great! Your brilliant business plan involving deep sea oysters and cheap, cheap African labour is nearing completion. In a few years you'll be able to retire from this rather dull lion taming job and follow your exciting dreams to become an accountant. You should capitalize on your bleeding anus and dye some of your old white t-shirts a pleasing reddish-brown colour.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Ok, so you weren't to know she was a close relative. Its not as if anyone told you until it was too late. Is it so wrong to be with the one you love? Its probably best to go down the clinic though, this world doesn't need yet another mutant on its hands.
Just because they give you those looks in the streets, doesn't mean they're not jealous. There's a lot of kinky moves you can pull off with two wooden legs afterall.
Capricon (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Chin up, the world isn't all against you. So you're stuck in a job you hate.. you think your 'friends' are conspiring against you.. that lump just isn't going away? Things will change, its only a matter of time. They can't stay this bad forever.. can they?
Ok so maybe they can. Maybe this life just isn't for you afterall. There's a shotgun in the cupboard and its a nice afternoon. I hear the local kindergarten is only down the road. If you're gonna go out, you might's well go out on a high.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The birds are singing, and there's not a cloud in the sky. Yes, for you the world is your oyster. You're the one that every guy wants to be, and every girl wants to be with. But you hit it pretty hard last night, so occasionally those facts switch places, and this morning your head isn't as sore as your ass. But you kinda like that don't you. Maybe its time to tell everyone what they already guessed last summer.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). The time you have been waiting for draws ever closer. Tonight, the bourgeoisie pigs will squeal as your righteous proletariat comrades sear their flesh with the mighty blade of the communist revolution. Or maybe "Lost"™ is on. Yeah, that's it.
Betsy :-)
Another era at the office
Welcome to DeathCorp Industries, ensign. You have been selected out of hundreds of qualified applicants and since you are reading this guide you seem to have passed our trial alive and unharmed. You will be joining our crack team of chrononauts with a great tradition of mildly successful scientific achievements. We pride ourselves in our work and in our undying loyalty to Dr. Death, who was not only a scientific pioneer and "morally questionable" genius but is also considered the founder of the "Dark science" concept.
"Watch what you say to people in the 1950's, the wrong words might cause confusion and mass hysteria in the primitive people, which is actually okay but might be detrimental to your mission!"
As you may now be aware of, the time-trek-squad is a highly secret cell of our international conglomerate, striving to maximize DeathCorps' past and present profits - by actions such as gathering intelligence, neutralizing threats and torture. This guide will help you in various ways, providing tips on your gear, safety issues and giving examples of potential missions you will undertake or else.
THE GEAR
- The temporal sombrero: Designed to look as a regular sombrero to effectively look inconspicuous - the hat is used as a means to return to your natural time period by laying it on the ground and performing a Mexican hat dance around it.
- Instant rewind glove: Squeeze your left pinky while wearing these and think happy thoughts about unicorns or something - if your heart is pure and your intentions are true you will be rewarded with a time rewind of about a minute. Great at parties. We're kidding about the unicorns and pure heart stuff by the way.
COMMON NEWBIE MISTAKES
"During time travel, you're liable to significantly change the course of history by doing relatively small things. However, creating a paradox is impossible, nature has its way of dealing with potential paradoxes by causing your head to explode a second before you decide on causing something .... paradoxy - Sweet dreams!"
Around the office, newbies are often the butt of the joke - Being a butt is no fun, so these examples of common newbie mistakes might help you from becoming one.
- Remember who you are talking to: In the past, especially. When dealing with "pasties" you must remember that words you may be used to saying all the time in regular conversation might have changed drastically in meaning over the ages. For instance, the word "Faggot" used to be an insult our historians think used to describe some kind of farm animal whereas now it simply is a form of greeting/goodbye.
- Don't underestimate people: Sure, pasties are pretty ignorant, but don't ever underestimate their seemingly uncanny ability to sniff out someone who doesn't belong. Losing an agent in a seemingly simple mission is a common occurrence, often because agents inadvertanly break idiotic laws of the past (Such as "corporate sponsored person extermination" , who the hell thought of making that illegal?!)
- The teleporter issue: There were no insta-teleporters™ in the pre-2235 years, standing in the middle of a crowded place and waving your arms while concentrating on your destination co-ordinates will accomplish nothing but making you look like an idiot.
- Don't look out of place: This is essentially where we are going with this section, for instance: not "eating" (Putting "food" into your mouth and "swallowing") is considered "weird" in most time periods. Mentioning your malfunctioning cyborg uncle that lives in Neo Florida and has a penchant for cyber-rape is also frowned upon.
OBLIGATIONS
Most of our missions are an exciting blend of mystery, mysterious action and mysterious mystery. The following log recorded by agent Fionn McFofo might serve as a comprehensive mission report on what to expect on your various missions.
- 09:00, Present day: Oh god not another mission please let me die in peac ***AGENT BEAMED***
- 15:00, May 4th 2002: Fuck. Yet another commerce espionage mission.
- 16:00, May 4th 2002: Arrived to "Wall Street", am being sneaky.
- 16:20, May 4th 2002: Nothing to report yet, this is boring as hell...
- 16:22, May 4th 2002: Being chased by crazed stock brokers send hel***TRANSMISSION ENDS***
We hope you have a great time here at DeathCorp Industries, report to your assigned supervisor immediately after reading this hopefully helpful pamphlet, faggot.